The Daily Lives of Hoboken Zoo
by momomugis
Summary: [A 30-prompt one-shot challenge featuring the animals of Hoboken Zoo and other villains] Chapter 4: Hans was used to Skipper's kind of love, Clemson's phony love was unfamiliar- exciting. past Skans and current Clemson/Hans
1. -Index-

This will be the index for easy archiving/navigation of this fic. I'll try to write one prompt every other day or so, in the order this prompt list is in, to the best of my ability. If you have any suggestions or ideas for any prompt I haven't written for yet, feel free to ask me about it! If it intrigues me, I'll absolutely go for it. (Do note that since this is Hoboken Animals/villain themed, I won't be accepting any prompts about the main characters unless it heavily involves a villain.)

Defiant

**Summary**: Lulu and the others try to pick up the pieces of their broken home (set right after The Hoboken Surprise)  
**Characters**: Lulu, Clemson, Hans, Rhonda, Savio  
**Ships**: None  
**Words**: 1449  
**Warnings**: None

Powder

**Summary**: Snowfall always reminds Hans of times long since gone, and Rhonda has a surprisingly sweet spot for the cold.**  
Characters**: Hans, Rhonda**  
Ships**: Kinda implied past Skipper/Hans**  
Words**: 1390**  
Warnings**: None

Grateful

**Summary**: Ma knew that when she took in Hans, kind of, sort of, forcibly, that she would straighten him out to be the upstanding, nice man she knows he could be. His friends make it far more difficult than it should be, leaving her to wonder whether she was really prepared for Hoboken at all. (Takes place after Smotherly Love)  
**Characters**: Ma the Possum, Clemson, Savio, Hans gets mentioned a lot but he doesn't really show up.  
**Ships**: None  
**Words**: 2367  
**Warnings**: None

Decent

**Summary**: Hans was used to Skipper's kind of love, Clemson's phony love was unfamiliar- exciting.  
**Characters**: Hans, Clemson, mentions of Skipper but he's not there  
**Ships**: past Skipper/Hans, Hans/Clemson  
**Words**: 1094  
**Warnings**: Kind of an implied unhealthy relationship? Specifically the Skipper/Hans. Not abusive as much as it is self-destructive

Union

Cleansed

Go

Shame

Objective

Strength

Life

Contempt

Wrong

Sweeten

Hands

Strangle

Lullaby

Untouchable

Whispered

Prayers

Obvious

Rhythm

Afterlife

Hidden

Parade

Touch

Free

Enjoy

Shining

Overflow


	2. Defiant

AN: This is the beginning! Or something like that. I did leave the index as the first chapter mostly so you can pick and choose whatever fic you're interested in, but I feel like this fic in particular is the best place to start because it's what I consider to be the beginning of the bond between the Hoboken animals. None of them ever interact in the show aside from in The Hoboken Surprise (and even then, it's mostly the robot versions of themselves) so the possibilities are endless, really. That potential is why I started this challenge to begin with because there were so many ideas I wanted to explore but I didn't want to dedicate a full fic to every single one.

xxx

Defiant - full of or showing a disposition to challenge, resist, or fight

xxx

In the midst of the fight, Lulu felt, more than anything else, her own heartbeat. It thudded rhythmically, punctuating the panicked screams of all the humans- that senator and their _horrible_ zookeeper included- which hummed lightly in the background like a distant melody. The robotic but familiar voice of her android double, the crashing and grunts and yells, it all muted to almost nothing as she fought with every bit of her own strength, the adrenaline coursing through her like a drug. She felt a little awful for thinking it, but never has she felt more _alive_ than in that moment. When she and her fellow zoo mates dodged and weaved between each other, slamming and punching their enemies in perfect synchronization, never had she felt closer with them.

Clemson expertly weaved between tight spaces, zipping in and out of benches and fences, easily trapping the android Savio before Rhonda body slammed into it. Savio would trap and tighten an android penguin in his clutches, leaving it at the mercy of Hans and his multitude of laser guns. Lulu herself was fighting the android Rhonda, and with a combined kick from her, Clemson and Hans, it went down with a final whirr of 'DIRTY ANIMALS'.

She didn't even notice the penguins had long since gone, leaving them to pick up the pieces of their broken zoo. While they _had_ been the one to rally them into fighting back, the chimpanzee couldn't help but feel a bit bitter at that fact amongst the ruins they will soon have to deal with. The humans had run away as well, at least for the moment, and Lulu fell onto her back, giving a deep sigh. The exhaustion had finally caught up with her, and even though they did win, she knew she'd feel all this come the morning.

"Well… That was fun, huh?" Rhonda had flopped down beside her, a giddy smile on her face. "Didn't think you had it in you, Lulu"

"Oh _please_, I've been at this zoo longer than all of you."

The orange lemur had shown up then, sitting on the concrete right next to her. Even though he was obviously exhausted like the rest of them, Clemson's annoyingly perky attitude never seemed to dampen. "No kidding, the way you ripped out their wires and slammed them against the benches? Brrr. Wouldn't wanna make you mad, am I right folks? Seriously, if you _ever_ decide you wanna be Queen of Madagascar or something, hit me up. Not really though, since you're not my type. But help to take down booty for brains would be real appreciated-"

A battered Hans cut in then, throwing a fizzling laser gun to the side before perching right next to Clemson. "_No! _I vant her to help _me_ take out the penguins so Skipzy and I can have a real fight!"

"Um- I'm not helping either of you bozos with your weird evil schemes." Lulu rolled her eyes, and sat back up. "Besides, is that seriously all you can think about right now?"

Savio slithered in then, flicking a broken metal piece away with his tail. "It is more fun to hunt your foes yourself, wouldn't you say?"

"Not the point I was making-" Lulu mumbled.

"Not _all_ of us have the body and strength of an uber-dangerous killing machine you know." Clemson interjected.

"Hey, guys?"

"Vell, _Clemson_, at least _you_ have opposable thumbs." Hans huffed.

"Fight! Fight!" Rhonda whooped, completely ignoring Lulu's darkening mood.

"And that is super duper useful for uh… holding fruit. Doesn't really stand up to laser guns though. Which you have. Seriously, why do you need opposable thumbs if you have a laser gun-"

"THEY VOULD BE EASIER TO MAKE IF I HAD THUMBS!"

"With weaponry like that, you could end any animal _and_ cook them just the way you like." Savio nodded. "Perhaps the problem lies in your aim, then? Hmm?"

"_You_ try aiming a 10 kilo gun then! It is a lot harder than it looks, you know!"

"Oh pfft, please, he doesn't even have appendages to hold anything with" Rhonda snorted.

"At least I have a further reach than _you_" Savio hissed, using the end of his tail to poke the walrus' chest.

"Also, it's not like you have much to offer anyway, Rhonda. I mean, can we be honest here? I'm gonna be honest here. When was the last time you even got a mission? I'm pretty sure you mentioned being a super spy of some Blowjoe guy but I've _never_ seen you do anything besides sing that _awful_ song and badly tan yourself. _Worst_ animal to have as a neighbour, am I right?"

"Tough talk coming from a weasel"

"-Lemur, I'm a lemur, like, from Madagas-"

"-WhatEVER"

Lulu gave a particularly frustrated groan then, falling back onto the concrete. To her surprise, the other four animals immediately noticed her outburst, and actually stopped arguing.

The other animals stared at her. Lulu blinked up at them, and slowly got back up. "Sorry- just, can we cut it out for a second? I'm so _tired_ of hearing all of you arguing _all_ the time!"

"Actually I'm pretty sure ve just ignore each other-"

"That doesn't make it any better, Hans" Lulu snapped, and lifted herself up, wincing as she did so. _Wow, I really did a number on myself, huh? _

To her continued surprise, the other four also seemed to deflate a bit. She noticed now just how _bad _they looked. Bruises and cuts were starting to bloom into ugly dark marks, a remnant from their horrific fight. They all had sunken eyes, and matted fur and feathers betraying the time they spent in the jail Frances put them in. She felt pity bubble in her heart. Even if the others were all relatively new to the zoo, and even if she didn't know them as well as the ones who've been transferred before, they were here _now. _They were Hoboken Zoo animals, and though she knew this was far from the best place to live, Lulu always tried to make every animal feel at home here. Her home.

She knew she couldn't let it go on like this. Not after Frances. Not after that cell.

Lulu gave a weak, but reassuring smile "We _just_ got out of probably the worst times of our lives and you guys can't do anything but argue? You saw how we fought out there! If we work together like that, I bet maybe we can make Hoboken better than it ever was!"

"You're _way_ too optimistic there lady" Clemson chuckled, and upon hearing a growl from Lulu, he yelped and backed off. "Okay, maybe you have a point"

"What do you suggest then, _mona_?" Savio slithered around the chimpanzee. "As soon as the humans come back, we will be trapped once more. Only heaven could tell how long it would be before they'd finish fixing this mess and we would be allowed into our enclosures"

Lulu paused, and looked over the zoo "We can…. We can at least make it easier on them?"

"What do you mean?" Rhonda quirked her head.

"Well, if we could take out all those robots, we could probably clean up a little too. It would give the humans less work to do, _and_ we could fix up our homes just the way we like it!"

"And if we find anything lying around, we can keep it" Rhonda smiled. "Uh- Right?"

"Y-yes! Whoever we get as our new zookeeper probably won't come for a while. We have plenty of time to renovate in the meanwhile!"

"Ooooh, these robot bits _would_ be great for my inventions" Hans surveyed the zoo with a giddy hop. "I'm in!"

"Eh, sure. Why not!" Clemson pulled himself up. "It'd be like a super sized lost and found, hey do you think you can re-outfit the massage chairs _without_ the DNA scanning?"

"I can~" Hans sing-songed.

"While I am not much for material goods, I would like a new heating rock." Savio hummed. "Your idea, perhaps it has some merit in it."

"I call dips on the cotton candy machine!" Rhonda exclaimed.

With renewed enthusiasm on their faces, Hans, Clemson, Savio and Rhonda hurried their way back to the wreckage, picking out pieces and chatting excitedly. Lulu looked over the faces of her zoo mates and smiled. Despite their differences, she felt true peace settle in her heart as the animals' amity rallied together. She knew that together, they could get through all this just fine, and maybe, just maybe, make Hoboken Zoo a zoo worth living in.


	3. Powder

AN: I didn't think much of Rhonda before I wrote this. She was the one that I had to actively force myself to include in the first fic, and whenever I think of the Hoboken animals, I usually don't tend to include her. I didn't like...hate her or anything, it was just harder for me to think of her since her debut (and only focusing episode) was so early on.

xxx

Powder - to sprinkle or cover with or as if with powder

xxx

Snow was many things. To some, it was beauty, a comfort. The calm quiet and the delicate fall of snow enveloped the world in an air that felt almost magical. To others, it was just miserable. It was cold and wet, and in the city where the white powder would melt into grey slush as soon as it touched the roads, it was anything but beautiful.

To Hans, it was a reminder- of good times and the bad. Looking up at the grey sky, the snow falling slowly in the hush of an otherwise completely average January morning, he couldn't help but think back on days long past gone.

"I vonder if Skipper is enjoying this snow" he mumbled, more to himself than anything else. "He alvays used to make the best snowmen"

Hans expected to spend the rest of the day like this, just sitting at the ledge of his habitat. Zoos didn't tend to get busy during the cold season, and Hoboken even more so as not a single human wandered the grounds. Not even their zookeeper is out, as he had gone into his office to the comfort of his heater. The quiet was soothing compared to how rowdy the zoo usually gets with visitors, but it also put him in an uncomfortably somber mood.

He absentmindedly started making a snowball in his flippers, and yelped when another animal's shout broke him out of his trance. By instinct he smacked the snowball in the offender's face.

"Wow, real classy" Rhonda wiped the snow off her face, leaning herself against the fence. "Maybe you should make _that_ your next weapon against uh- Skylark? It'd probably work better than the fish."

"I'm not in the mood today, Rhonda" Hans grumbled, turning himself away from her.

"Whoa, who farted in your herrings?" She dropped back to the ground, "It's snowing! Aren't you penguins supposed to like the snow?"

"First of all, I'm a puffin. And vhile I do enjoy a good snow day, it just- nevermind"

"Hey! You can't just cut yourself off!" she stomped around his habitat, until she was facing him from behind his fence. "Come on, tell me!"

While Hans didn't make it a habit to speak to Rhonda much, he did notice she seemed more active than she usually was. The walrus tended to stay in her habitat and laze about most of the time, and it would take some serious convincing on Lulu's part for her to even join the all-zoo meetings. Sometimes it was hard to believe she was a spy for Dr. Blowhole at all. This was the most he'd ever seen her do since the Frances incident.

It was a bit unsettling, and he couldn't help but just stare at her blankly.

"And now the silent treatment?" she rolled her eyes. "Geez, you're no fun at all."

"Why me, anyway? Can't you go bother Clemson- he is always saying the mean things and you hate him, don't you?"

"Ugh, no. He's all curled up with Savio. He _says_ it's because Savio's the only one with a heated habitat but I think he's just into weird shit."

"Um-"

"You didn't hear it from me."

"Well...uh, vhat about Lulu?"

"I tried. She says the cold makes her 'cranky'" Rhonda folded her flippers to indicate quotation marks. "I didn't really wanna test her, you know how she gets."

"Eh- good point."

Rhonda was still looking at him expectantly, and Hans fidgeted under her gaze. On one hand, he could tell her to leave him alone. He could stay in his habitat and gaze over the piles of snow that accumulated in the park. Each one reminded him of a memory, playing over and over in his mind until he lost track of time. That was always the case whenever he thought too much about his now-mortal foe, though.

Their scuffles in the snow, and their elaborate play wars that Skipper would always take so seriously. Hans remembered how elated he felt when he outplayed the penguin for the first time: when he set up dummy forts to lure him out only to hit him right in his beak with a snowball. Skipper couldn't hide the fondness in his voice when he conceded defeat back then. Hans always thought he was unusually serious for a penguin, but playing in the snow, it was almost like he was a chick, giggling and hopping from place to place, goading Hans into catching him.

Hans felt the guilt creep into him again- "Sure, fine". He said, far too quickly. He'd had enough of pointless nostalgia.

The walrus immediately brightened, and gestured for him to get out. "There's a lot more snow out here, ya know."

"Vhat about the humans?"

"If they see us, they see us. It's not like there's a _worse_ zoo they can send us to."

Hans couldn't help but giggle at that, and hopped out of his enclosure. He shivered to get the snow off his feathers, and tested the slowly growing piles of snow with his feet. He made another snowball, and tested it in his hands, throwing it up and catching it.

"This is some good quality snow- reminds me of Denmark" the puffin remarked.

"Sweet, huh?" she swept some snow into a ball of her own, though her's was significantly bigger. The walrus then pounced into it, giggling like a pup. "Dr. Blowhole _always_ gave me missions in the Bahamas or something- like, hello? It's too hot, you know"

Hans joined her by jumping into the snow, fluffing up his feathers. "You'd think a smarty-pants like him vould send a walrus to cold parts."

"I know, right?"

"How is he, anyway?"

"I dunno, last time I called, the crabs said he's Flippy now, or something." Rhonda sighed, and rolled onto her back. "But it's whatever, I've been meaning to vacay anyway."

"You don't vant to check on him?"

"Why should I? He's my boss."

"You're not...vorried, or anything?"

"Nah"

"Oh."

Rhonda sat herself back up, shovelling more snow with her flippers as she made another ball. "Listen birdy, I don't care about all that super villain stuff. For some of us, it's just a job."

"Oh…"

"That Skylark guy, or that other one, what was his name? Jubilee. I couldn't care less about them. Hell, they seemed pretty boring when I was undercover that one time."

Hans immediately stiffened at the mention of Skipper's (albeit incorrect) name, and looked away.

"Oooh, touchy subject, huh?" Rhonda whistled, though she did sound genuinely apologetic. On some level.

"You could say that…"

"Hey, if you need any ice-cream to eat your sorrows out, I'm your gal"

"...Thanks. I think."

After finishing her handiwork, she shoved the comically large snowball over to Hans, completely engulfing him in it. He squawked, and hopped out of it to face the other animal who was laughing uproariously.

"Vhat was _that_ for?!" he fumed.

"A challenge. Bet you can't hit me."

"You're like a giant slab of ham, you can't _seriously_ expect me to-"

"What's that? It sounds like some bawking. I didn't know we had chickens in this zoo-"

"Oh, fine, you're _on!_" He pointed to her. "And I am a _puffin_!"

With another fluff of his feathers, Hans immediately set to work, giggling maniacally as he created snowball after snowball to lob at the walrus. Rhonda was surprisingly agile, quickly and expertly using the slippery paths to her advantage as she twirled behind signs and snow mounds she made with ease. They were whooping and hollering, their laughter ringing out into the still morning and well into the afternoon.

In an area not too far from the animal's play fighting, in the deep crevices of a reptile house empty of all except one terrarium, a lemur groaned with annoyance.

"Seriously? It's what- minus, whatever degrees and they can't bother to let _some_ of us sleep? Some of us are sleeping. That is what you do, when it's cold. The nerve of some animals. You know, in Madagascar-"

Savio mumbled something in response, too sleepy to say anything coherent, though he did use the end of his tail to lightly smack Clemson back onto his head.

"Fine, uh- yeah, you're the boss." he sighed. "Only 70 more days until spring."


	4. Grateful

AN: I've always wanted to write something involving Ma the Possum since I watched her episode, because the idea of a little possum being the weird mother figure to everyone in Hoboken is just SO funny to me. This ended up being WAYYYY longer than i expected to, and the pacing kept feeling off to me, but it's whatever, i hope it flows coherently enough

xxx

Grateful - feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful

xxx

When Ma first arrived at Hoboken, she didn't really know what to expect. At the time, she was a bit wrapped up in catering to the huffy puffin that her previous adopted children were playing with. ("It was a _battle_, Ma!") He was a mess, really. Prone to temper tantrums, horrendously rude, kidnapped her and used her as a hostage the first time she met him, but he had an obvious sweet spot that always seemed to come out the most when they baked something together, or when he'd embroider a new pattern on her apron. Hans could be a bit of a brat, but he reminded Ma of her children so much that she couldn't help but baby him a bit. Despite their initial rocky meeting, Hans always went out his way to do what's best for her. He was always sweet and attentive, even though he does complain about her rooting through his weapons now and then.

His friends however… they were on a league of their own. The lemur was the definition of a shady character. He always spoke in honey-covered words that hid whatever he truly wanted. He reminded her of that Archie back in the park, or those horrible weasels always trying to sell her something she didn't need. Every time he came around, blabbing on about this and that, Ma couldn't help but glare at him. And the snake… though he was polite, he always unnerved her whenever he slithered around, with the way he'd stare at her putting a chill through her spine. That aside, he was a _boa constrictor._ She wasn't the type to judge animals by their species, but it was difficult to not feel a bit of fear flutter in her heart whenever she saw Hans next to him- he was just so _small_ in comparison.

The two would take away her dear Hans to- well, she didn't know what they were doing exactly as Hans would insist she stay away from his 'times with his palsies'. It couldn't be good though, Ma _knew_ that. Call it a mother's instinct, if you will. The two were evil- ok that might be too much- the two were suspicious. She couldn't let them drag Hans back into his awful habits, but so she set out to give them what she does best: some motherly love and a stern talking-to.

First, she visited the lemur, Clemson. His habitat was much closer, and as he was so small and agile, he could break out of it whenever he wanted. It explained why he was always around Han's habitat, but a part of her wondered why he'd bother coming when his place was far nicer. It was an unusually large habitat, probably originally belonging to an animal much larger than him: with a tire swing and...was that a massage chair behind that cave? The possum rapped on the fencing of his enclosure, and gave a sweet smile when she saw Clemson's face pop out from behind a tree he was napping on.

He immediately smirked. "Oh hello, what could _possibly_ warrant a visit from Han's dear _mummy_? Wait, don't tell me, you're here to tell me to buzz off? Something like that?"

Ma felt her patience wear thin. Does this lemur ever stop talking so excessively? "Actually, no" She brought out an array of cupcakes from behind her, most of them some variation of a fruitcake. "I feel like we got on the wrong foot, and if you are a friend of Hansy, then I think it's only fair I treat you like I treat my little darling, isn't it?"

"...Huh." Clemson seemed genuinely taken aback by that, and jumped off the branch to stand in front of her, though still behind the fence. "There's no...catch, is there? Like there's no poison in that, or laxatives, or like by eating this I sign a hidden contract to never ever speak to Hans or something like that?"

"Heavens no! What kind of animal do you take me for?"

He stared at the offered cupcake for a second, before yoinking it out of her hand to take a bite.

"Wowzers, this is really good, lady. You _really_ know your cupcakes."

"Oh stop it." Ma fidgeted on her spot, and handed the rest out. "It comes with being a former mother of 14, you know!"

"Wow. 14 kids. Getting some shut-eye probably wasn't easy for you, huh. Hey, how about you take a load off in my place? I have a massage chair- state of the art, with all the bells and whistles. And if you want something more hands-on, I'll have you know I _am_ a world-class massager."

Ma _knew_ the lemur was buttering her up as he did anyone that he talked to, but directed at her she couldn't help but let a small giggle out. Maybe he wasn't that bad- no wait, she was here on a mission. "Oh you're such a sweet boy. Is that why Hansy likes to visit you so much?"

"Well, the massages are definitely a plus, but mostly we just talk."

"About…?"

"You know, stuff." Clemson waved around a muffin as he spoke. "He's really chatty you know, a real motormouth. And that's coming from me. He'd always come by and talk to me about his next plan to take out that penguin guy, but not too much, because he wants to see him suffer. Or something. Got some real issues, that guy."

She knew Hans had some sort of grudge against the eldest of her previous four adoptees, but she never really thought much of it. It always seemed like some elaborate play, like a little back and forth between two boys who took their games too seriously. "Is that really true…?"

"You better believe it lady. Haven't you seen his secret layer at all? It's like a carbon copy of the penguins- but not nearly as cool. Probably because the penguins have Kowalski, but don't tell Hans I said that. Plus all the weapon blueprints, the weird drawings of Skipper, his tape recordings with all his evil monologues, geez that guy takes the villain thing way too seriously."

Thinking on it, it does seem odd that Hans had so many laser guns. He had explained them away as cooking utensils ("No Ma, _that_ one is for baking a souffle") but whenever she tried to use them, she had destroyed the kitchen. She had always thought it was just because she was older than these young animals and their fancy new technology but maybe-

No, she couldn't believe it. Her dear adopted son? A _real _evil villain? _Never_. Not when he made her macaroni art just the other day! When was even the last time she saw him pointing a freeze-ray at someone? For now she wouldn't take what the lemur said at face value, he was a weasely sort and this meeting didn't exactly curb her suspicions.

"...While I won't say I don't believe you, I do have to run an errand, aha" Ma, nervously rubbed her hands together. "Do feel free to enjoy the rest of these cupcakes."

Clemson snorted at her response, obviously not believing her. "Suit yourself. You really should bake more of these, they're just like mother used to make- well if I had one. Tell Hans I said hi and that he left his cinnamon landmine in my cave."

"...I will. And also sit up straight, you'll grow a hunch always slouching like that."

"Will do, _auntie_."

xxx

Next up was the snake, though she really _really_ did not want to speak to him. Savio was by far the most intimidating in the barebones zoo she had settled herself in. If not for his sheer size, then by the way he always looked at her so hungrily.

He lived in a reptile house, barren like the rest of the zoo, with empty tanks and the remnants of removed plaques all reminders of previous animals that had also lived here. Savio had an incredibly large tank, fitting for a snake of his size, with numerous locks and an incredibly strong glass plane to keep him from escaping. It made her wonder how he even got out of it so often.

The snake was sleeping at the moment, with his head tucked behind a rock in the enclosure. Steeling herself, the possum nervously stepped forward, and tapped the glass. No matter how hard she tried, her shakes were evident even in her knocking, and Savio had picked up on it immediately.

"_Hola tía_, what brings you all the way out here?" He hissed, a wide smile which would have been pleasant on any other animal, but simply unnerving on him. Ma instinctively froze.

With a bit of struggle, she brought out a scarf. An incredibly long scarf. She left it in front of the tank, and backed away, just a bit. "Oh, um- I would like to know Han's friends a bit more. But if you would like to be left alone, I'd gladly-"

"No, no, no. Why don't you stay a while? I won't bite, _tía_"

Ma laughed nervously, wringing her hands as her tail twitched. She kinda wanted to lie down and pretend to be dead right now, but she was a _mother_, she _needed_ to do this. "O-of course."

Savio slithered closer to the glass, looking at the bundle left in front of it. "How lovely, a gift for me? Your visit was satisfying enough. I can see why Hans speaks well of you."

Choosing to ignore the other, somewhat ominous, statement, Ma perked up. "Hans talks about me?"

"Of course- so devoted, that boy. Always threatening to turn me into a belt should I ever harm you." Savio shook his head fondly.

"That's- wait he's using _threats_?"

"He can be quite terrifying if he wishes so. I tell him this every time, but his sentimentality holds him back."

"I'll have you know, he's the sweetest-"

"-In a way, I suppose you're right. But he's not sweet in the way that _you_ are."

"Uh-"

"See, it's a double meaning, sweet literally, as I have a taste for mammals, and sweet in that you are of much purer heart than he is."

"Er." Ma didn't know what to make of this statement. She just blinked at him.

"I apologize, I am not the best at clever turns of words."

_That really wasn't the issue_, Ma thought. Compared to Clemson, Savio seemed a tad more humble, but he still sounded as if everything out of his mouth was a joke only he understood. Or found funny. Beyond his designation as a boa, Ma realized perhaps _that's_ what makes him so unnerving.

"You don't...you don't plan on hurting him, do you?"

"No. Of course not. I don't _usually_ eat birds." After a beat of horrified silence, he added: "...That was a joke."

"It's really hard to tell with you, deary."

The snake rubbed the back of his head with his tail, actually looking sheepish. "Perhaps you are right. But no- Hans is a… friend. Eating him upsets me and my stomach quite greatly."

"That's good to hear! A mother can't help but be worried, you know."

"I don't blame you, really."

"You're quite nice, actually. I think you just need a healthy dose of people skills!"

"That would be...unnecessary."

"It wasn't a suggestion, dear"

Savio huffed. "You may have Han's protection, but you should not test me."

"See, that's exactly what I mean! Instead of threats, try 'please' and 'thank you's."

"I do not need your meddling, _thank-you_"

"Oh come on now, it can't hurt, can it?"

Savio turned away from her, obviously having had enough of this.

"The offer is still open, Savio." she giggled, then nudged the scarf closer. "Tell me if the wool is too much, or too rough on your scales. I have plenty more types, so if you want, I can make you another one for when it gets cold."

The snake peeked over his body to watch her step away, then slammed the glass to catch her attention. His stare was less penetrating and seemed more...curious?

"While what you are doing is admirable, perhaps you should be careful in what you want out of Hans. Don't get me wrong, he is grateful to you, but if you are only here in hopes of changing him, then I suggest you leave. _Entiendes_?"

Ma simply smiled at him, then left.

xxx

Maybe she was a bit in over her head when she took in Hans. No amount of molly-coddling and baking brownies and casseroles together could change the fact that Hans is already far too set in the path of villainy. He never talked about his past, and he always kept his true desires close to his heart. She'd lived with him for over a month now, and she still barely knew the depths of his feelings about Skipper, nor exactly what it constituted.

No- that's exactly why she had stayed with him for so long. He was a loner. While the penguins had each other, Hans had no one to truly call family. And despite the initial rough patch of faking deaths to get him to behave, he took to her presence like a duck to water. She couldn't imagine leaving him right now. More than he needed her, maybe she needed someone to take care of as well.

After speaking to them, Clemson and Savio had seemed to be in roughly the same boat. Talking to them, Ma felt the same sort of loneliness Hans had. She couldn't deny they seemed quite close, and now she felt _bad_ for being so suspicious of Han's friends. Though they did tend to poke fun at Han's affection for her, maybe they need her just as much too.

Ma knew what she had to do.

"Hans, can you invite your nice friends over for dinner tonight? I have some mean stew cooking up! And then- we can have a family game night!"

Hans looked at her like she grew another head.

She'll mother them _all_.


	5. Decent

AN: this is the first actual serious-ish fic in this one-shot set, and is a lot more of a character study than a fic with anything actually happening. I have a lot of headcanons about Hans and most of them come through in this, but in general I just think he's really self-destructive and kind of a hot mess. I still love him tho

xxx

Decent - of an acceptable standard; satisfactory

xxx

Push and pull, push and pull. Skipper was like the ever-flowing ebb and flow of the tides. Constant and eternal, whatever Hans did, whatever Hans _thought_, the penguin was always a force in the back of his mind. Push and pull, push and pull. Hans considered him a home, as fresh and familiar to him as the cliffs of Denmark he was born at. Like the rush of tide and the roar of waves, Hans loved him.

Hans was a tidal wave, a disaster borne of deep-rooted tremors far beyond anyone's ability to predict. He flooded Skipper in his affections until he drowned, and just as quick he'd rush out, leaving Skipper gasping for his presence. Push and pull. Push and pull. Hans love was suffocating, Hans himself _knew_ that. He couldn't help it, really. He couldn't help hating what he loved, he couldn't help wanting it back no matter how much he destroyed it.

Skipper was the first to take him in when his wings were clipped. An accident that trapped him on Denmark while everyone he ever knew flew towards things far greater than him. Hans came to rely on him (Like his parents- they left him in his nest). Hans came to admire him (But not too much, he was tired of broken pedestals). In lieu of flying, he learned how to swim, how to fight, how to use everything to his advantage in any situation. How to be Skipper. Everytime he'd succeed in catching Skipper off-guard and realize he was going easy on him, everytime Skipper talked about how he was like the 'boys he was training back home', Hans couldn't help but think if he'd always be the shadow- an off-shoot puffin who couldn't fly, or an off-shoot penguin without a flock.

Hans was a tidal wave, unpredictable and fierce, a calm so quick to turn into something dangerous. He wasn't stupid enough to _not_ notice how Skipper looked at him. In between their training and little games, Skipper had came to rely on him and gravitated towards him. Skipper said he was his first love, the first one he could trust with all his heart. He had given himself to Hans completely, let down all his barriers and let himself think of something beyond the duties he always burdened himself with. Hans loved him. Hans loved the way Skipper loved him. The difference was hard to tell sometimes, but with Skipper's affections propping him up, he felt that for once, maybe he had a place in this world.

But Hans was wary, perhaps too much so. Skipper's words and comforting presence were oftentimes drowned out by the chill of Denmark's air, the torrent of constant self-doubt. He tested the penguin, sometimes. He'd say something aggravating here, hit a little too hard in their spars there, and when Skipper would still come to him, love shining behind his eyes, the irritation that crawled through him would fade- just a bit. Push and pull, push and pull, Skipper was like the everlasting tide. No matter what Hans did, he'd come back to him.

It was only an inevitability that he'd wipe it all out eventually. Hans never spoke of what happened in Copenhagen, but he knew any love Skipper had for him was left for dead, killed by his own clipped wings. Still, he missed the pedestal Skipper put him on, and eventually, he had come to miss Skipper himself. Love or hate, he didn't care which, he wanted Skipper to focus all his energy on him. It was twisted, Hans knew that. But he didn't care, as the penguin would always fall for his tricks. Again and again and again and again.

"Complicated ex situation huh, so _that's_ your game."

Clemson, in comparison, was a void.

He was a decent substitute, though.

Ever since Hans arrived at Hoboken, the lemur would visit his habitat with half-lidded eyes and a paw at his hips. His tail would curl and brush against Han's feet, and he'd casually talk about his day like they've been friends forever.

"Have you ever been to that ice-cream stand at that corner there? Yeesh- I've never seen so many bugs in one place. Would be a great all-you-can eat place if I ate that stuff, ah well."

The lemur was the opposite of Skipper in many ways, Hans supposed. Wherein Skipper was cold to most, with his true warmth only evident in his most vulnerable, Clemson was a master at doling out compliments and care with no substance behind it. Skipper's weapon was his body and instincts: how he'd act and use every element in his environment to his advantage. Clemson's weapon were his words and perception: expertly turning every situation into his hands, striking exactly where he needed to without ever lifting a finger. Hans was used to Skipper's kind of love, Clemson's phony love was unfamiliar- exciting.

It wasn't long before he let himself fall for it. It's amazing really, even if you knew his true intentions, it was easy to get lulled in by Clemson's presence. He ended up talking to him about more than he should have, really, but Clemson hummed at the exact right times, was sympathetic in ways that seemed just a little sincere if Hans was desperate enough. He was warm and big enough that when he hugged Hans' back, it was like being enveloped in a blanket. His fur was comfort against his feathers, and his claws knew how to soothe all his stresses.

Clemson was a void; any overflow of aggravated emotion and he was unaffected. Whatever love Hans could give would be drawn into nothing. Whatever anger Hans could give would be drawn into nothing. In a way, that was refreshing. Nothing he'd do would ever change Clemson, and so there was no point trying.

"Hans, has anyone ever told you that you're a _real_ catch?" Clemson had said, curled up in a corner of Han's secret base.

"Not in particular, no."

"_Really_? No one? Gee, maybe they just don't know you like _I_ do, then. You're a cute little guy, really, but I bet if you really let your heart out, be a real badboy type, everyone would be fawning all over you. I mean, really, who doesn't love a tortured soul?"

"No one here needs to know my business and I'm happy with that."

"So you only trust me with it? I'm touched, Hans."

"...Yeah. Just you."

Hans was a tidal wave, and Clemson was decent enough company.


End file.
